Getting Old Can Hurt You Read online

  They’re still at it when we arrive back home and tiptoe over to where the action is, so as not to break their concentration. The Every Afternoon Blackjack Game in the Garden. Otherwise known as free-for-all kibitzers and killers.

  The kibitzers are those residents of Lanai Gardens who have nothing better to do than to watch the cheating players, cheer their favorites on and wait for the fights to ensue.

  The killer card players consist of Hy Binder, aka, Mr Annoyance and his forever clingy wife, Lola; chubby Tessie and her relatively new husband, short Sol Spankowitz (a month, and she still won’t trust him, reminding him daily of his peccadilloes as the infamous peeping Tom), and Joe Markowitz, Evvie’s loving husband, former ex, now her newly re-wed. And my new husband, the infinitely patient Jack Langford, stuck in his unwanted job of dealer and banker.

  Anyway, here go the card players, and their shtick. Hy and Lola don’t bother to conceal the fact that they discuss each other’s hand with every deal. World-class cheaters.

  Sol has trouble holding his cards because ‘pleasingly plump’ Tessie (as she refers to her 250 lethal pounds) won’t let go of Sol’s playing hand, as if afraid he’ll fly off to some panting senior hotsy-totsy babe in the wings waiting to pull up her bedroom shade for him to look in.

  Evvie’s Joe’s every other impatient comment is, ‘So play, already’, as each decision is agonized over, while my Jack, waiting to deal, reads a book to pass the endless boring time. Jack has been awarded with this choice job since he was once a cop and can be trusted to hold the bank money. All eight dollars of it.

  We have arrived in time to hear a familiar litany:

  Hy, ‘I told you to stand with the fourteen, sweetness.’

  Lola, ‘But I was sure I’d get a seven, dearest one.’

  Joe (shouting), ‘Twenty-four is not twenty-one. Lay your cards down already!’

  Hy, ‘Don’t rush, my adorable one. She needs to count the cards herself.’

  Joe (apoplectic, shouting), ‘Fourteen and ten is twenty-four!’

  Lola (still counting), ‘Now you made me lose my place.’ (She starts over), ‘One, two three …’

  Tessie, ‘We have a real twenty-one here, don’t we, pussycat?’ Tessie pinches Sol’s arm, yelling, ‘BINGO!’ as Sol screams in pain, dropping his cards onto the grass.

  Joe (to Jack), ‘Do something before I kill them.’

  Jack looks up from his book. ‘Just as soon as I finish the chapter.’

  At this point they all glance up, realizing we’ve arrived home.

  Joe, free at last, throws down his cards, gets up and hugs Evvie. ‘Good brunch, hon?’

  ‘Unusual,’ she answers as she squeezes him back.

  Jack closes his book, equally relieved. He looks toward the two annoying couples, and hums under his breath, ‘What I do for love.’

  I smile, ‘You had your choice. These momzer misfits or the girls’ deli celebration.’

  ‘You left me Hobson’s Choice, no choice at all.’

  At my age, to find a smart, literate, handsome guy, who loves me as much as I love him. What are the odds?

  Suddenly Hy is pointing. ‘Who’s that? What was that? Who’s that running after Ida? She looks like some bag lady’s kid.’

  Sol says, ‘I didn’t see nothing.’

  Tessie asks puzzled, ‘Ida picked up somebody on the street?’

  Lola never says much when Hy’s around. There’s only room for one ego.

  I don’t bother to answer their questions. Sometimes they just like hearing themselves talk.

  Ida, pushing Tori, runs up the steps of our building. Building Q.

  Sophie and Bella laugh. Sophie informs Hy, ‘A surprise. A mystery guest! You’ll love it.’

  No they won’t. I know better.

  TWO

  Tori takes a Shower, Ida Paces

  We are walking back toward our apartments when Evvie glances up, then elbows me into looking up also. Ida is half hanging over our third-floor landing, arms whirling like windmills gone crazy.

  ‘Come up. I need you!’ Ida shouts.

  A quick consultation. The guys want to know if they should get involved, or is this some kind of girls’ thing.

  ‘Well, sort of,’ Evvie offers.

  ‘Can it wait until after my shuffleboard game?’ Joe wants to know.

  ‘I’ll fill you in later,’ she says, knowing him all too well. He sees us as nosy bodies getting involved in other people’s affairs. And having a Private Eye business that justifies our right to interfere. He trots off, relieved.

  Jack eyes me, curious. ‘What’s this about? Want me to join you, or am I to be excused also?’

  ‘I’ll fill you in on the way up.’

  ‘I guess that’s a yes.’

  And I do update him. It’s a short ride up to the third floor, so I give him the elevator pitch. ‘A teenager came up to our table at The Continental; she called Ida her grandmother. Suspicious Ida made her prove who she was. What was most amazing and frightening is that the girl told Ida that some mysterious “they” were going to kill her.’

  My husband’s former detective antenna immediately perks up and – no surprise – he is intrigued. And we arrive at Ida’s apartment. Which is next door to ours.

  Ida whisks us in, whispering, ‘I insisted she take a shower. I had to shove her into the tub. She positively smells!’ Ida wrings her hands. ‘I don’t need this. I absolutely don’t. This is not the way I’d imagined my granddaughter.’

  ‘Hey, Granny Goose, where did you hide my gear?’ Tori shouts from the other room.

  Ida continues to whisper, ‘I tossed the clothes she was wearing into the burn barrel. They were disgusting. I hate to think of what’s in her backpack.’

  ‘I heard that …’ Tori enters, dripping water on the living-room floor, naked as naked can be. ‘… So, what am I supposed to wear?’

  A group gasp.

  To be polite, Jack turns his back.

  Evvie rolls her eyes.

  I shake my head. Oh, my, what is going on here?

  Ida shrieks, and runs over to the girl, throwing herself at her, trying to cover whatever exposed body parts she can.

  Tori clutches Ida. ‘C’mon, give your grandbaby a nice hug.’ She tries to hold onto Ida, but Ida pushes her naked body away.

  She yelps, ‘Back! Back in my bedroom! In my closet. A robe!’

  For a moment, it looks as if Tori meant it, but it looked more like a piece of drama. Am I right, Tori?

  Ida may be pushing, but the girl is back-pedaling, taking in the newcomers with interest.

  Evvie laughs. She’s the kind of woman who finds humor anywhere.

  Tori winks at Jack. With a smirk she calls out to him, ‘Whoever you are, if you were only sixty years younger …’

  Proud of her clever exit line, she bolts out of the room, leaving Ida groaning and Jack hiding a smile.

  ‘Well?’ I say nonchalantly to my husband.

  ‘Well,’ Jack says, equally unflappable. No ruffle from him. He’s seen just about everything as a New York cop, and nothing surprises him. Except me and the wonder of our finding love so late in life. That did raise an eyebrow at the time.

  Ida kneels on the floor, hair wildly flopping out of her bun and over her face, as she mops up the moisture with paper towels. ‘What am I supposed to do with her? You should have heard her just a moment ago. A mouth like a toilet. I told her – one more nasty word out of her and I was going to wash her mouth out with soap.’

  ‘I asked her what brand,’ Tori says as she hops back into the living room wearing Ida’s old green chenille robe. I think Ida’s had that robe for fifty years; the woman throws nothing away. Skinny girl, this young stranger; she swims inside it.

  Tori continues. ‘My other grandmother used Fels Naptha. Or was it some plain old dishwasher soap? Not that it ever shut me up.’ She fairly spits. ‘Just make sure you keep out of my backpack!’

  Tori leaps up onto the couch, sitting Indian-style,
as once again Ida stares in dismay. ‘Sit straight, with your legs down on the floor.’

  Tori, enjoying her grandmother’s angst, ignores her and turns to me. ‘So cray Gladdy-o, who’s the hot old dude?’

  I look at Evvie as if to ask if she understands what the girl is saying. Evvie shakes her head and jots something down in her little notebook, the one she carries with her everywhere. A holdover from her days when she wrote our local in-house newsletter.

  ‘Yo? Speak up.’ Tori tilts her head at me, like some curious little bird interested at who’s climbed into her nest. I guess that means she’s still waiting for me to identify Jack.

  ‘This is my husband, Jack. I thought since you mentioned something about killing, a former policeman might come in handy.’

  Tori claps her hands. ‘I love it! I’m here two seconds and you call the fuzz.’

  I add, ‘You said you were in danger.’

  ‘If I wanted a cop, I would have picked a young one. That’s for damn sure.’ Tori looks him up and down. ‘Ya really are a cop?’

  Jack shrugs. ‘I’m afraid so.’

  Tori is surprised. She didn’t expect this. She hesitates. I can almost hear the wheels turning. How will she use this information?’

  Tori meets Jack’s shrug with one of her own. ‘Oh, well, ya wun a da 5.0. So, let the interrogation begin.’

  I can’t resist asking, ‘Why are you so angry at your grandmother?’

  Tori, poses, hands on hips. ‘I could tell you why. Maybe I should tell you why, but then again, I won’t. She knows very well why I’m angry. And for good reason.’ She turns to Ida. ‘Granny, tell them why I might possibly hate you. Tell them!’

  We all turn to Ida, who cowers.

  Ida speaks so low, we can barely hear her. ‘Can’t I tell you how sorry I am?’

  She snorts, ‘Too late Granny, too late.’

  THREE

  Tori Spins a Tale

  We sit in our Florida room, as the sun room is often called. Jack and I are usually here at this hour for a quiet after-dinner time, sipping our favorite Pinot Grigio wine and watching another glorious sunset. However, this afternoon we watched Ida have a hissy fit watching Tori bounce up and down on her precious velveteen sofa. Too nervous for any more conversation, it was agreed we’d rest awhile, meet again after dinner and have that discussion then.

  The ‘rest’ period didn’t seem to help. Ida still looks like a wreck. I can’t recall ever seeing her like this. She must have mixed feelings. Here is the beloved grandchild whom she never expected to see again, but this girl is nothing like she could have imagined.

  Not that they were invited, but seeing Ida, Evvie and Tori enter our apartment, Sophie and Bella scurry to join us and the sun room is now crowded. There is a chattering of voices and a clattering of chairs as the group decides on where they will sit. With bumping into one another as they arrange and rearrange my wicker furniture, with many an oops and so sorrys, finally they get seated.

  Sophie and Bella had made a quick trip back to their own apartments and brought over a bag of after-dinner popcorn and are treating this as a party. They dump their goodies on my coffee table and Tori immediately grabs a handful. Which makes me wonder how dinner went. Did Tori refuse Ida’s food in an act of passive-aggressive behavior, and is now hungry? I wouldn’t put it past her. This is an angry girl.

  Tori is still wearing Ida’s bathrobe and I shudder to think she still has no clothes on underneath it. I’m sure Sophie, our clothing maven, will pick up on this. And she does.

  ‘Is that Ida’s chenille? Why are you wearing her robe?’ Sophie asks.

  ‘Yeah, why?’ adds her Bobbsey Twin, Bella.

  ‘Because bad Granny threw most of my clothes away.’

  ‘Why did she do that?’ the twosome ask in cadence.

  ‘Never mind,’ grumps Ida. ‘Let’s get this over with.’

  Tori plops down onto my hand-woven Indian-style rug, looking up at Jack. ‘Watcha lookin’ at, pops?’ says she who is doing the staring. Then another quick glance up at me, hoping to get a response this time. Not a chance.

  Jack is sitting in his favorite armchair and all eyes focus on him. ‘Okay, Tori, talk to us.’ His voice is soft and mild.

  Tori preens importantly, changing her tone to sincere. ‘Oooh, look at you. The only Arab and his harem. It’s not much of a story. I thought it was about time I visited my dear grandmother in Florida. I hadn’t seen her in sooo long.’

  The sudden proverbial melting of butter in the mouth has us astounded. Evvie’s look wants to know what’s with the sudden sweet-talk?

  Ida is flummoxed. Suddenly her grandchild is polite?

  I wonder what Tori is up to. I remind her of the killers she mentioned this morning who were coming after her. ‘I thought you were frightened.’

  I get a toothy, cheesy smile in return. ‘Perhaps a bit of an overreaction. Just a little story to entertain. Clever, huh?’

  Evvie and I exchange glances. All of a sudden she sounds like a child prodigy. Or maybe an actress. What happened to the teen-speak?

  Jack asks her, ‘What does that mean, an “overreaction”?’

  She stretches cat-like after drinking cream. ‘Wellll,’ she drags it out. ‘I was hitch-hopping rides across the country. Having the best time in a little town of La Mesa in New Mexico. Met some really cute guys in a band, four brothers, especially one of them named Luke.’ Tori blushes, quickly going past that. ‘And most of the people were sooo kind, but every so often one might make a bad judgment call. There were these three other guys in this mysterious-looking car wanted to pick me up. I admit I was a little impressed, a big SUV with sexy dark windows … but then I found out that they had these tacky tats. Can you believe – Hickory and Dickory and Doc, one on each guy’s arm?’ A little batting of the eyelashes. ‘Dix would have been enough.’

  Sophie and Ida are shocked by what they think she means.

  ‘You know how men can get!’ This line is sent out to Jack, suggesting shared sophistication. She moves her robe enough to show a bit of bare leg.

  ‘I may have sent out the wrong signals. A little too much vino. Maybe a dash of hash.’ She giggles. ‘And when I refused their naughty advances …’

  Jack says drily, ‘That’s when they threatened to kill you.’

  ‘Something like that.’

  Jack gets up out of his chair. ‘Well, you’re safe here. I suppose my expertise is not needed. Time to watch a little TV.’

  The party ends abruptly. Tori hesitates, realizes her fifteen minutes of attention is over, and races to the front door. Ida hurries after her. Sophie and Bella are right behind them. Bella calls out, ‘Thanks for a lovely evening. You can keep the rest of the popcorn.’

  For a moment after we hear the door slam, no one speaks. Jack is back in his chair. ‘Too bad I no longer drink hard liquor or smoke … Right now, I crave both.’

  Evvie shakes her head. ‘I expected her to say, “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille.” What a performance!’

  ‘What on earth could that be about? Cruella turns into Snow White?’

  ‘Well, I could use a drink.’ Evvie reaches into the mini-fridge and makes herself a gin and tonic. ‘Wow, Ida never saying a word. That’s not the Ida we know.’

  I muse, ‘We didn’t imagine it. That child was terrified in the deli. Why the sudden turnaround?’

  Jack jokes, ‘Perhaps she wanted to spare my tender feelings.’ Serious now, ‘She’s not ready to talk.’

  Evvie digs into her purse and takes out her notepad. ‘I went online to look up all those funny things she said earlier. I googled Teen Expressions and got some answers. Gladdy, when she called you cray. That means crazy.’

  ‘How nice for me.’

  ‘Hot means hot stuff.’

  ‘That’s gotta be me,’ says Jack with a smirk. ‘What was that ya da stuff?’

  She reads. ‘Ya wun a da 5.0? You’ll love this. You’re one of the 5.0 refers to the old TV series Hawaii 5
.0. Meaning, so you’re a cop.’

  I comment, ‘This child is a female Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One thing we already know about her, she is precocious and very intelligent for her age. Probably high IQ.’

  Evvie adds, ‘Smart enough to toy with us and test us.’

  Jack wonders, ‘I believe she didn’t lie about someone trying to kill her, so why now the play-acting? She knows I’m a cop. I could help her.’

  I guess, ‘Perhaps to cover a lot of pain? Perhaps first she needs to trust us. When Ida moved here fifteen or so years ago, she confided in me, something she didn’t want anyone else to know. She originally came from California, where she lived quite close to her children and grandchildren. Her husband, Murray, had died a year before. There were other sad happenings in her family. Something had gone very wrong, but she wouldn’t tell me any more.’

  Evvie, ‘It must have been something serious to cause so much rage in that child.’

  I add, ‘Serious enough for Ida to run away, leaving behind the grandchildren she loved. But why? Ida has hidden her past all these years. Telling us she just wanted to forget. Now, Tori is here. Maybe she’ll tell us the rest.’

  ‘Poor Ida,’ I continue. ‘That kid has a love-hate relationship with her grandmother. So why does she come to live with her? And what about the danger she fears? Is it real? How do we get Tori to share this with us?’

  Jack tosses us some biting wit. ‘By interrogating her without me in the room? I’m just too much “eye candy” for her to handle? I don’t want to torture the little flirt. Let me know when she’s ready.’ With that, he laughs on his way out of the room.

  I throw a handful of the popcorn after him, causing him to duck and run.

  FOUR

  Who Peed in the Pool?

  I see Sophie pounding on my kitchen window, so that must be Bella ringing the doorbell. I quickly throw my cover-up shirt over my swimsuit and hop into my flip-flops. I can hear Jack calling from the bedroom, ‘I knew it. They’re three minutes early.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll go outside and wait there for you. They’re just excited.’

  ‘I’m not coming out until I’ve had my coffee.’